My Meditation Journey

Meditation came to me at the crossroads between spending time climbing in nature and being a freshman in college, when I was surrounded by so many influences, not the least of which were deeply rooted and staunchly convinced Southern Baptists. Among so many of my dorm-mates and friends at school were intense believers in the Baptist version of Christianity and every one of them were intimately concerned with my own awakening to Christ presence in my life. I was open to their proselytizing, listened as well as I could, but I was also rational and down to earth, had questions that simply couldn’t be answered, and was left with more of an inquiry than I began with. It brought though, a certain quickening to my heart, and while there was no judgment about their spiritual choices, there was a deep sense that they had arrived at something that gave them ‘conviction’ and that was something I knew I didn’t have. An awakening was brewing inside of me, and I felt a pull stronger than ever - a call to this mysterious force, and yet, it had to align deeply with every aspect of my being, it had to exist without contradictions and wouldn’t arise out of a blind faith.

When a close rock climbing friend had recommended a book on Zen, “The Three Pillar’s of Zen” by Phillip Kapleau I was deeply and immediately intrigued. The book had a presence unlike other books, the image of Buddha sitting with equipoise, the deep green and soothing red of the cover along with the gravity of the title brought a sense of depth and closeness to me. I knew it was the beginning of a journey without even opening the book. Amongst all the noise of college, and the sea of exuberant christians around me, I knew I had to find MY WAY. The Buddha’s teachings spoke so intimately to me and soothed my sense of unknowing that previously brought with it, great anxiety and unease. The Buddha’s insistence on ‘Being a Lamp Unto yourself’ spoke volumes and sent waves deep into my being. Of course! It made perfect sense and resonated so deeply that Knowledge is within our own hearts and should be discovered, alighted and lived by. As it turns out, Buddha, along with many others, prescribed meditation as the most direct route to ignite and absorb this knowledge.

And so, with this new conviction I was more motivated than ever before to begin my own journey into meditation. I prepared my blanket and pillow for sitting, brought my timer, and headed to the campus church. It was the only small church in the center of campus that wasn’t overtly christian and there were no images of christ, simply a room that was quiet and had a sacred charge. I laid down my blanket and cushion sat down, full of motivation and enthusiasm and a sober conviction to master my mind. I sat upright as best I could, crossed my legs somewhat awkwardly, set the timer and closed my eyes. And…. A minute seemed like hours. I was assailed by what seemed like thousands of thoughts, occurring every nanosecond -ranging from my upcoming test to my unfinished paper to needing to write to my parents to the rock climb I was working on and the girl I had a crush on. My body felt restless and wanted to move, to wriggle and squirm and after two minutes jump out of my skin. I breathed strongly, recommitted, thought of buddha and again awoke this passion for knowing myself. Somehow I made it until my timer had finished. 5 minutes! It felt like a huge accomplishment and I even remember feeling wave of pride flood over me thinking I had done it. At the same time, I was extremely humbled by how difficult it was and couldn’t believe that 5 minutes was such a challenge. Somehow though, I understood it, I understood how it worked and intuitively ‘got it’. You sit here, thousands of thoughts come up, and you try and sit still and remain calm anyways. I intuited that over time this would really change the mind and bring peace and clarity. Then and there I committed to seeing it through, no matter how long it took.

Of course, life is always there with the next stage in our journeys once our hearts have an inkling of the direction they want to go in. One of my close friends who was also a climber and I had been getting to know each other more. It turned out his father was a actually a Zen Master. A proper Zen master from a lineage of Zen Masters, his teacher being from Korea and he was the abbot of a Zen temple just a couple of hours from my College. The universe had put buddha directly in front of me.

We would go to the Zen temple, which was really an 800 acre community in the middle of nature, and also the home of my friend Sam. I went just as his friend at first. Staying at his cabin and exploring the land. In the center of the property, sitting directly underneath the one of the highest points in the state, a towering monolithic sandstone face, sat a Korean style blue-tiled roof wooden Zen temple. Simple, elegant and having an architecturally depth and gravity, a certain majestic quality, an unadorned jewel, having a modest dignity and a humble regal. It spoke to me of the simple splendor of awakening, the silent luminosity of awakening, brighter than a thousand suns and as simple and unassuming as a rotting piece of wood. I went here with Sam, and then alone, and meditated in the stillness of the hall, in front of the buddha, on proper meditation cushions, blue cloth against the deep cherry wood floor. It felt so nice, so right. Sitting still, close to the ground. My mind was racing, always full of thoughts, hard to handle, erratic, eclectic, ungrounded. And yet, I got it. I sat there and watched it, tried my best to follow my breath, a silent sword slicing through a pile of leaves, not seeming to make any difference at all, and yet, just wielding the sword was empowering and the latent possibility of meditation was utterly clear to me. I felt at home, and partly settled in to the idea of this being a lifelong process, loving the feeling of watching my breath, of seeing my mind in all its wildness and coming back to the simple immediacy of the breath, of the premonitions of peace that could be born from this practice.

Sometimes, I used a timer and sometimes not. Sam and I had sat a few times together, and this seemed stronger, there was a brotherhood to it. None of my other friends quite understood it, and I could never really explain what it was. One time, an older friend and more seasoned practicer from the center sat with Sam and I. It was late in the evening and we decided to sit, this time facing away from the buddha and down the hillside. Instead of a timer they decided we would sit the whole length of an incense stick.

About Meditation

Across millennia man has sought a myriad ways to connect with a higher power through mediums such as prayer, rituals, shamanic trances, plant medicines and the like. Amongst the variety of traditions and their rich and diverse history of contemplation, meditation stands at the top of the mountain when it comes to Self-Knowledge. It is the art of inquiring into the nature of mind and investigating the reality of who we are. While approaches may vary, meditation itself is clear and direct perception, or pratyaksha; it is seeing reality as it is, stripped bare of our running thoughts and the fettering of our limited conceptions, ideas and beliefs. The tradition of meditation spans from Ancient India to early forms of mystic Judaism, Christianity and Islam and exists as the central pillar of all Buddhist practices. Modern science in the few past decades has helped bolster the spread of meditation by proving its objective benefits as observed in the brain and nervous system.  Science has helped further meditation’s integration into the modern world and it now transcends, and includes, all definitions and traditional contexts.

It stands as the experiential bedrock upon which we can directly know our minds and immediately perceive the truth of our being without an interpreting filter of external authority. Man’s deepest yearning is to know and experience himself with the alive immediacy that goes beyond a mental interpretation of some system of belief or alien doctrine. It is in this immediate and immanent recognition that we are convinced of something very real and undeniable-- finally giving reprieve from the ever analytical nature of the rational mind. It is in sinking into this knowing that we find ease and trust in an underlying nature that is far more trustworthy and reliable than the ever changing surface mind.

Through the practice of meditation, we at first, glimpse states of quiet between our racing thoughts and are propelled to know more. A part of our being is touched, and awakens to its own lightness and inherent joy, stirring us to inquire into this feeling more, and then practice gradually and naturally grows. As glimpses of quiet start to nudge us towards a new way of understanding ourselves,  these flashes shift towards a curious peering into the possibility that silence is somehow more fascinating than our habitual busy minds. The peering out of our cave of thought into the wide expanse of silence gives us a bold new perspective and a widening into a reality that has always been waiting. The more we understand the true nature of our thoughts, we begin to trust in an enduring nature of our original freedom and are bolstered by a silent support that helps us live in a more rich, confident and trusting manner. As we realize that our own thoughts are born from an ocean of inner silence and have no true staying power, we also see that the thoughts of everyone around us too are just as temporary and insubstantial. Where we once gave so much importance to the thoughts of others and how they would be critically directed towards our own actions, we see them too, as empty of substance and are liberated from the perceived judgment of others. Suddenly, we can sigh in relief, knowing that the true nature of our hearts is limitless freedom, unbound from the constraints of thought, criticism and judgment. In this way, knowing our true nature through meditation can give us a great sense of childlike enthusiasm and the courage to be free in our expressions and follow the deeper promptings of our hearts and guiding intuition born of a silent and clear mind.

For many though, the actual practice of meditation can seem either too mystical or else simply too difficult to systematically approach. This is completely normal as our minds are utterly unaccustomed to relating to silence. Culture and society rarely give any true value to a quiet mind and space for silence is hard to find. When we encounter the possibility in practice, the mind and conditioned ego recoil in fear simply because it has no precedent and there is no sense of validation from the external world. This is where a tradition, teacher and structured practice become paramount to reinforce the deep value of a consistent meditation practice. Sages, monks, yogis and sacred texts stand as an ancient bridge that reassure the novice seeker of the value of practice and endlessly provide encouragement and patient guidance until a deeper experience is reinforced within the heart of the beginning meditator.

In my own humble way, I hope to provide guidance and support on your journey towards recognizing and stabilizing the sea of inner quiet and beatitude. I offer a variety of techniques to help learn the art of mediation from cultivating simple concentration to entering deeper states of recognizing and abiding in our formless nature.  While technique, structure and understanding the metaphysical underpinnings of a meditation practice are crucial factors, I ultimately want to push you towards your own awakening and give you faith and courage to keep walking on the your own custom tailored journey towards the infinity within.